Goals

As I have written about since the beginning of this blog, I have been in a sprint/walk/stroll/backslide to the finish for the entire year of 2008. Well, finally, the day I never thought would arrive has done so! I have reached my goal weight of 160 pounds. That means I have lost half of my original body weight and my body mass index is below 25 (healthy), I think for the first time ever. Whew! Along the trek of the sprint/walk/stroll/backslide, I have also reached some other goals and have learned some valuable lessons.

It has not been easy. In fact, losing the last 20ish pounds was "WEIGH" (pun intended just for you, Dad!) more difficult than losing the original 140! I have heard people say that before but I had never experienced it. The mathematical side of my brain knows that makes perfect sense. At the beginning when I had a lot to lose, it went quite quickly. Well, the less body weight you have, the harder it is to reduce. But no matter how convincing the mathematical side of my brain was, the rest of my brain couldn't grasp that concept. I have not posted in a while and I think that was why. I didn't know what to say.

This summer, I took my annual trek to San Diego for the Cyndi/Tom/Camille visit. More than ever before, I felt renewed and refreshed upon my return. My cousin took such good care of me--I can't even describe it. Cyn and I spent an outrageous amount of time talking about absolutely everything (which shouldn't surprise anyone who knows me...or who reads this! I love to talk and I come from people who also love to talk). In addition to the wonderful time spent with my cousins, I did a workout at the studio where Cyndi works part time. It was the pure barre workout and was the most difficult thing I have ever done (please don't read that, Darren--I can't take it if you "ramp it up" on me!). The best way for me to describe it is that it is a combination of ballet, pilates, yoga and strength training. The workout involves choosing various body muscles to target and then working them to fatigue in small, isolated movements. And what made it so meaningful was that I could do it! Now, I could not do it well, but I could do it. I realized that all of the work I have done over the last three and a half years, both on my own and with Darren, has put me in good shape. I actually feel fit. WOW! That was my real, original goal from the beginning...even more important than the weight loss (although obviously related).

Another important goal from the summer happened last week while visiting my family in Pennsylvania. I absolutely adore them all and we always have a terrific time together. This year, I decided that it was time to go to the fancy jeans store to shop for jeans. Now, my midwestern roots (and common sense) think it is RIDICULOUS to spend $150 or more on a pair of jeans. BUT I wanted to try to see what all the fuss was about. In talking about the exorbidant prices, my cousin, Meredith, said, "When you see how good they make you look, you'll pay $500!" Not likely for this girl, but I still wanted to try.

One afternoon, Cyndi, Meredith, Robin, Steve and I headed to N V, a store in Boalsburg, PA with a fabulous jeans selection and a jeans "magician" fitter--Chase. I told Chase and his mom (they own the store) my story and that I was ready to try on the fancy jeans. Chase started giving me the rundown of the huge selection of brands, fits and styles. Honestly, he lost me after the first pair. Then he said that the best thing to do was to just try a bunch on and see.

I got into the fitting room and immediately began to sweat. Not just a bit, but profusely. In fact, I began to sweat like I was working out. I was having an anxiety attack, something that has never happened to me before. What was the deal? Why was I so anxious? I started trying on the jeans a pair at a time. Some fit and looked terrible, some didn't fit at all and some fit and actually looked good (it turns out my brand is Seven for All Mankind--low rise. Go figure!). My dear cousin, Cyn, bought a pair for me that are unlike anything I have ever owned. They are trouser jeans with a wide, flared leg. And--really--they look pretty darned good.

Despite the anxiety attack, it was really quite fun. And after a lot of reflection, I realized what happened. I was terrified I was still the fat girl! After 160 pounds and all of this work, I was totally afraid that I wouldn't be able to fit into any of those jeans. Now, I have tried on lots of clothes (it has become my new hobby of late) and they have all fit. Even sizes that seem ridiculously small to me. But for some reason, I was afraid of being too fat for the fancy jeans and embarrassing myself in front of my cousins and husband (who certainly would love me anyway). Another example of how ingrained those thought patterns are. And another goal reached...I own a pair of fancy jeans that fit me!

After that, I began to think about how much easier life is as a smaller person. In every way, but especially logistically. I have traveled a lot this summer (more on that in a later post) and airplane seats are a piece of cake. So are bus seats, train seats, subway seats and restaurant booths. I can literally go anywhere and do anything. And that's the greatest goal achievement of all.