The Wrinkle In My Skirt

As the "Fat Girl," another characteristic I have realized I had was a need to be perfect. I think that I knew on some level most of the world was not going to respond positively to me based on my outward appearance alone. At 320 pounds, I did not exactly fit the "socially acceptable" image. Sad, but true. Because of that, I spent the vast majority of my life trying to be perfect. And it was all unconscious. If I was perfectly dressed, perfectly pressed, perfectly styled and perfectly behaved, people would like me in spite of my appearance. This need for perfection stretched from my house to my office to my purse! Steve even used to tease me about my need to win the (nonexistent) award for "Best Hotel Guest" or "Best Restaurant Patron."


Now I have a story to tell you. As I have mentioned before, my cousin, Cyndi, is my role model in so many ways...and she is my treasured friend, too. Well, she gave me some incredible wisdom that I want to share with you. It is slowly helping me to let go of my need for perfection.


Last summer, I was visiting Cyn, Tom and Camille in San Diego. They and their house are my sanctuary and place of renewal. They are such fun and take such good care of me. And who doesn't love San Diego??!! I am so lucky!


One day during my visit, Cyn and I were going to a lovely luncheon. When I got into Cyn's car, I looked down to buckle my seat belt. There was a giant wrinkle across my freshly-pressed skirt! AHHHH! When I told Cyndi about it, I commented that I thought I was going to have to take a minute to go inside and press out the wrinkle. It would drive me crazy during the luncheon and make me self conscious. Cyndi replied with the best lesson ever--she told me to leave the wrinkle. She said that people need to see me with a wrinkle in my skirt. I was puzzled, but she went on to explain. She said that I was always perfect--and had a need to be so. It was intimidating for others...and worse--it seemed fake. A wrinkle in my skirt made me real. Cyndi knew the "real" Jane and most of my dear friends, did, too. But Cyndi's point was that the rest of the world needed to know the "real" Jane.

Even then, the idea really struck me, but I have reflected on it often within the last year. It has become an even more meaningful lesson for me. Now a year later, the "wrinkle in my skirt" has come to represent taking the risk to show people the "real" Jane. It's been so liberating. I no longer feel the conscious or unconscious need to hide myself behind the facade of being perfect. I have realized that it doesn't matter if I weigh 320 pounds or 166 pounds. People are going to like me--or not--for all sorts of reasons that I cannot control. What I can control is myself. Turns out people in general like the "real" Jane MUCH BETTER than they liked the "perfect" Jane. And you know what? I like myself a whole lot, better, too. Turns out that wrinkles are signs of character....no matter where they are.