The "Fat Girl"

I have not posted for a while because I have been walking in place during my Sprint to the Finish! That hasn't given me much to say about my progress, because I haven't really made any. BUT I am not beating myself up about it or feeling bad. I haven't lost any ground, either, which I think is good. I am thinner than I have ever been, I am in better shape than I have ever been and I feel terrific! Who cares that my body mass index (BMI) is not below 25?? Well, truthfully, I do. I'll get back on track, I just really needed this "walking" interlude.

My next fitness test is coming up on Saturday. That is a powerful motivator! Steve had his yesterday and did marvelously--of course. He had lost several pounds in a week to be sure that he had lost weight since his last test. Amazing. And worth it for him. We were with our dear friends, Chad and Rustin, last night...both of whom are incredibly thin and fit. BOTH of them told Steve he needed to stop losing weight and that he is approaching "scary skinny." I think Steve was totally uncomfortable with the impromptu intervention, but he took it to heart. The four of us then had a conversation similar to one I had with Darren on Friday during my workout. When you've been overweight for a long time (or forever!), when do you stop feeling like that inside? In other words, when am I no longer the "fat girl?"

Since I initially lost a lot of weight in 2005, I have had a difficult time in re-programming my thinking about my own body image. I have become increasingly aware of all of the subconscious mechanisms I had in place as a fat person that helped me navigate the world. For example, I would visit certain classrooms in my school and never sit down...because I couldn't fit in the desks. There were certain paths I had to take through some restaurants...because the chairs were in the way and the aisles were not wide enough to accomodate my girth. Once I was thinner, that was no longer an issue, but I still navigated through my life as a fat person. I would often see someone and ask Steve, "How do I compare in size to her?" I knew I could trust him to tell me the truth. Often, I was LOTS smaller than the people in question. I could never believe it because I simply could not believe my own reflection in the mirror. I had adjusted relatively quickly to my new face, but my new body was a different story.

A few weeks ago, I was in a picture with my dear friend, Julia. We were both sitting on a couch. When I saw the picture, I absolutely could not believe that was my body sitting next to Julia. I seriously thought that someone had taken my face and super-imposed it on someone else's body! Julia is a cute and tiny little thing and I didn't look all that much bigger. Wow.

A couple of months ago, I started running on the treadmill during my cardio workouts. It started because I heard "Walking on Sunshine" by Katrina and the Wave on my iPod and I couldn't help it...I bumped up the speed and started to run. Absolutely spontaneously!! I have always hated running (I tried it two summers ago) and have always sworn I would never do it. Well, I should know better than to ever say never. I decided that for our 17th wedding anniversary, that's what I would give Steve (the runner in the family)--I would run a 5K with him. Now, I still don't love running, but I have gotten to the point where I can run a little over 2 miles without stopping (and without dying!), so I'm getting closer to the 5K goal.

I say all this because it is the most recent example of how I still see myself as the "fat girl." I am somewhat self-conscious when I run on the treadmill at the gym. I am not a pretty sight. All I can think of is that people are looking at me saying, "Awwww. Look at that fat girl lumbering away over there!" See how much those body images are ingrained in me? Probably in all of us? How scary is that? It takes an incredible amount of time and energy to make a change in your thinking (since I have a Master's degree in Counseling, you would think I would know this), but Oh, is it worth it!

I do think I "lumber" when I run, but I am no longer the "marshmellow girl" when I do it. I just have to convince myself once and for all of that.