Goals

As I have written about since the beginning of this blog, I have been in a sprint/walk/stroll/backslide to the finish for the entire year of 2008. Well, finally, the day I never thought would arrive has done so! I have reached my goal weight of 160 pounds. That means I have lost half of my original body weight and my body mass index is below 25 (healthy), I think for the first time ever. Whew! Along the trek of the sprint/walk/stroll/backslide, I have also reached some other goals and have learned some valuable lessons.

It has not been easy. In fact, losing the last 20ish pounds was "WEIGH" (pun intended just for you, Dad!) more difficult than losing the original 140! I have heard people say that before but I had never experienced it. The mathematical side of my brain knows that makes perfect sense. At the beginning when I had a lot to lose, it went quite quickly. Well, the less body weight you have, the harder it is to reduce. But no matter how convincing the mathematical side of my brain was, the rest of my brain couldn't grasp that concept. I have not posted in a while and I think that was why. I didn't know what to say.

This summer, I took my annual trek to San Diego for the Cyndi/Tom/Camille visit. More than ever before, I felt renewed and refreshed upon my return. My cousin took such good care of me--I can't even describe it. Cyn and I spent an outrageous amount of time talking about absolutely everything (which shouldn't surprise anyone who knows me...or who reads this! I love to talk and I come from people who also love to talk). In addition to the wonderful time spent with my cousins, I did a workout at the studio where Cyndi works part time. It was the pure barre workout and was the most difficult thing I have ever done (please don't read that, Darren--I can't take it if you "ramp it up" on me!). The best way for me to describe it is that it is a combination of ballet, pilates, yoga and strength training. The workout involves choosing various body muscles to target and then working them to fatigue in small, isolated movements. And what made it so meaningful was that I could do it! Now, I could not do it well, but I could do it. I realized that all of the work I have done over the last three and a half years, both on my own and with Darren, has put me in good shape. I actually feel fit. WOW! That was my real, original goal from the beginning...even more important than the weight loss (although obviously related).

Another important goal from the summer happened last week while visiting my family in Pennsylvania. I absolutely adore them all and we always have a terrific time together. This year, I decided that it was time to go to the fancy jeans store to shop for jeans. Now, my midwestern roots (and common sense) think it is RIDICULOUS to spend $150 or more on a pair of jeans. BUT I wanted to try to see what all the fuss was about. In talking about the exorbidant prices, my cousin, Meredith, said, "When you see how good they make you look, you'll pay $500!" Not likely for this girl, but I still wanted to try.

One afternoon, Cyndi, Meredith, Robin, Steve and I headed to N V, a store in Boalsburg, PA with a fabulous jeans selection and a jeans "magician" fitter--Chase. I told Chase and his mom (they own the store) my story and that I was ready to try on the fancy jeans. Chase started giving me the rundown of the huge selection of brands, fits and styles. Honestly, he lost me after the first pair. Then he said that the best thing to do was to just try a bunch on and see.

I got into the fitting room and immediately began to sweat. Not just a bit, but profusely. In fact, I began to sweat like I was working out. I was having an anxiety attack, something that has never happened to me before. What was the deal? Why was I so anxious? I started trying on the jeans a pair at a time. Some fit and looked terrible, some didn't fit at all and some fit and actually looked good (it turns out my brand is Seven for All Mankind--low rise. Go figure!). My dear cousin, Cyn, bought a pair for me that are unlike anything I have ever owned. They are trouser jeans with a wide, flared leg. And--really--they look pretty darned good.

Despite the anxiety attack, it was really quite fun. And after a lot of reflection, I realized what happened. I was terrified I was still the fat girl! After 160 pounds and all of this work, I was totally afraid that I wouldn't be able to fit into any of those jeans. Now, I have tried on lots of clothes (it has become my new hobby of late) and they have all fit. Even sizes that seem ridiculously small to me. But for some reason, I was afraid of being too fat for the fancy jeans and embarrassing myself in front of my cousins and husband (who certainly would love me anyway). Another example of how ingrained those thought patterns are. And another goal reached...I own a pair of fancy jeans that fit me!

After that, I began to think about how much easier life is as a smaller person. In every way, but especially logistically. I have traveled a lot this summer (more on that in a later post) and airplane seats are a piece of cake. So are bus seats, train seats, subway seats and restaurant booths. I can literally go anywhere and do anything. And that's the greatest goal achievement of all.

The Wrinkle In My Skirt

As the "Fat Girl," another characteristic I have realized I had was a need to be perfect. I think that I knew on some level most of the world was not going to respond positively to me based on my outward appearance alone. At 320 pounds, I did not exactly fit the "socially acceptable" image. Sad, but true. Because of that, I spent the vast majority of my life trying to be perfect. And it was all unconscious. If I was perfectly dressed, perfectly pressed, perfectly styled and perfectly behaved, people would like me in spite of my appearance. This need for perfection stretched from my house to my office to my purse! Steve even used to tease me about my need to win the (nonexistent) award for "Best Hotel Guest" or "Best Restaurant Patron."


Now I have a story to tell you. As I have mentioned before, my cousin, Cyndi, is my role model in so many ways...and she is my treasured friend, too. Well, she gave me some incredible wisdom that I want to share with you. It is slowly helping me to let go of my need for perfection.


Last summer, I was visiting Cyn, Tom and Camille in San Diego. They and their house are my sanctuary and place of renewal. They are such fun and take such good care of me. And who doesn't love San Diego??!! I am so lucky!


One day during my visit, Cyn and I were going to a lovely luncheon. When I got into Cyn's car, I looked down to buckle my seat belt. There was a giant wrinkle across my freshly-pressed skirt! AHHHH! When I told Cyndi about it, I commented that I thought I was going to have to take a minute to go inside and press out the wrinkle. It would drive me crazy during the luncheon and make me self conscious. Cyndi replied with the best lesson ever--she told me to leave the wrinkle. She said that people need to see me with a wrinkle in my skirt. I was puzzled, but she went on to explain. She said that I was always perfect--and had a need to be so. It was intimidating for others...and worse--it seemed fake. A wrinkle in my skirt made me real. Cyndi knew the "real" Jane and most of my dear friends, did, too. But Cyndi's point was that the rest of the world needed to know the "real" Jane.

Even then, the idea really struck me, but I have reflected on it often within the last year. It has become an even more meaningful lesson for me. Now a year later, the "wrinkle in my skirt" has come to represent taking the risk to show people the "real" Jane. It's been so liberating. I no longer feel the conscious or unconscious need to hide myself behind the facade of being perfect. I have realized that it doesn't matter if I weigh 320 pounds or 166 pounds. People are going to like me--or not--for all sorts of reasons that I cannot control. What I can control is myself. Turns out people in general like the "real" Jane MUCH BETTER than they liked the "perfect" Jane. And you know what? I like myself a whole lot, better, too. Turns out that wrinkles are signs of character....no matter where they are.

The "Fat Girl"

I have not posted for a while because I have been walking in place during my Sprint to the Finish! That hasn't given me much to say about my progress, because I haven't really made any. BUT I am not beating myself up about it or feeling bad. I haven't lost any ground, either, which I think is good. I am thinner than I have ever been, I am in better shape than I have ever been and I feel terrific! Who cares that my body mass index (BMI) is not below 25?? Well, truthfully, I do. I'll get back on track, I just really needed this "walking" interlude.

My next fitness test is coming up on Saturday. That is a powerful motivator! Steve had his yesterday and did marvelously--of course. He had lost several pounds in a week to be sure that he had lost weight since his last test. Amazing. And worth it for him. We were with our dear friends, Chad and Rustin, last night...both of whom are incredibly thin and fit. BOTH of them told Steve he needed to stop losing weight and that he is approaching "scary skinny." I think Steve was totally uncomfortable with the impromptu intervention, but he took it to heart. The four of us then had a conversation similar to one I had with Darren on Friday during my workout. When you've been overweight for a long time (or forever!), when do you stop feeling like that inside? In other words, when am I no longer the "fat girl?"

Since I initially lost a lot of weight in 2005, I have had a difficult time in re-programming my thinking about my own body image. I have become increasingly aware of all of the subconscious mechanisms I had in place as a fat person that helped me navigate the world. For example, I would visit certain classrooms in my school and never sit down...because I couldn't fit in the desks. There were certain paths I had to take through some restaurants...because the chairs were in the way and the aisles were not wide enough to accomodate my girth. Once I was thinner, that was no longer an issue, but I still navigated through my life as a fat person. I would often see someone and ask Steve, "How do I compare in size to her?" I knew I could trust him to tell me the truth. Often, I was LOTS smaller than the people in question. I could never believe it because I simply could not believe my own reflection in the mirror. I had adjusted relatively quickly to my new face, but my new body was a different story.

A few weeks ago, I was in a picture with my dear friend, Julia. We were both sitting on a couch. When I saw the picture, I absolutely could not believe that was my body sitting next to Julia. I seriously thought that someone had taken my face and super-imposed it on someone else's body! Julia is a cute and tiny little thing and I didn't look all that much bigger. Wow.

A couple of months ago, I started running on the treadmill during my cardio workouts. It started because I heard "Walking on Sunshine" by Katrina and the Wave on my iPod and I couldn't help it...I bumped up the speed and started to run. Absolutely spontaneously!! I have always hated running (I tried it two summers ago) and have always sworn I would never do it. Well, I should know better than to ever say never. I decided that for our 17th wedding anniversary, that's what I would give Steve (the runner in the family)--I would run a 5K with him. Now, I still don't love running, but I have gotten to the point where I can run a little over 2 miles without stopping (and without dying!), so I'm getting closer to the 5K goal.

I say all this because it is the most recent example of how I still see myself as the "fat girl." I am somewhat self-conscious when I run on the treadmill at the gym. I am not a pretty sight. All I can think of is that people are looking at me saying, "Awwww. Look at that fat girl lumbering away over there!" See how much those body images are ingrained in me? Probably in all of us? How scary is that? It takes an incredible amount of time and energy to make a change in your thinking (since I have a Master's degree in Counseling, you would think I would know this), but Oh, is it worth it!

I do think I "lumber" when I run, but I am no longer the "marshmellow girl" when I do it. I just have to convince myself once and for all of that.

"Athletic"

This week was my fitness test again. I have to admit, I was extremely nervous based on my slower progress this month. If I had only lost a couple of pounds, could I have dropped much in my measurements and/or have increased my performance on the fitness tasks? Time to see.

When I weighed in that morning, I had reached 168, a new all-time low...SEVEN pounds from my goal! Then as Darren took my new measurements during the test, he compared each one to the last test at the beginning of February. Each one had stayed the same or dropped...yahoo! When I took the VO2 max test, my number had skyrocketed. I'm sure that is as a result of Darren increasing my target heart rate zones last month. While I have been an absolute sweaty mess during workouts (not that that is new...I've always been a sweaty mess, but now I'm an even SWEATIER mess!), it has obviously paid off. I was able to do 42 push ups this time (one more than last time), 51 sit ups (one more than last time) and reach farther during the sit and reach. As a result, I felt like my fitness test was already a success. And I didn't even know the body fat/lean muscle mass results yet!

After the test, Darren did my calculations and my body fat was now 21.11%...in the "Athletic" category! Now, people who know me would tell you how absolutely hilarious that is. I've NEVER been what you would call "Athletic" in any way. Now I am. How cool. I continue to be amazed at all the ways in which my life has changed.

This week, I talked with a class at our school about weight, body image and fitness. I challenged each of them to think of something they felt like they needed to change about themselves and develop a plan to change it. I encourage anyone reading this to do the same. If a 320 pound woman can get to the "Athletic" range of body fat percentage, you can do anything!


Today, I weighed in at 167. I cannot believe how close I am to my goal. Who knows? Maybe now that I'm "Athletic," I'll become a runner like Steve. I'll let you know!

Finally!

169! 169! 169! 169!



This morning, I finally broke the barrier to the 160s. I literally danced a jig and made Steve come at look at the scale (he was thrilled I woke him up for that. Actually, he really was!). That means only EIGHT more pounds to reach my goal. I've got to stay focused.



I have really been struggling to get there. I've hovered around 170 for about a month now, and I've been so frustrated with myself (as you know from my previous posts). Well, during my Thursday afternoon workout with Darren, I realized something in talking with him. What I have been doing for the last month (and what Steve has been doing for the last several months) is learning how to eat for my new life. All of my binge eating (by the way...I remembered several food items I did not include in the long list of foods I consumed...including doughnuts!) was for a purpose. I am now figuring out what I can eat and still lose weight, what I cannot eat and still lose weight and what I can eat and still maintain my weight. There are some general guidelines, of course (NO ONE will lose weight in a healthy fashion by eating copious quantities of cookie dough, no matter how good it is!), but each person is different and his/her food triggers differ, too.

Darren and I talked about the resting metabolic rate, which is the number of calories you burn just by being alive in a resting state. It does not include any movement whatsoever, so if you are active and exercise, the number increases significantly. The way to estimate this rate (according to Darren's blog!) is to multiply your body weight number by 10. For me, that would now mean that I burn roughly 1690 calories a day without doing anything. Factor in movement and exercise and I think I burn about 2500 calories in an average day. That explains why I lose weight so easily if I stick to calorie counting (of about 1200 or 1300) and the nutrition plan. It really is a simple formula...in theory, anyway. And who knew how much math was involved in losing weight??

Binge Week

Oh, my goodness! I thought giving in to my french fry craving would be the end of it. Not so, I'm sad to report! I have had quite a week of absolute binge eating. Sometimes I get so "snacky," as my dear friend, Beth, would say, that I just can't stand it and have to give in. Well, I've done NOTHING but give in this week.

Here is the good news, though. This morning, I was back to 170. Still not 169, but after all I've eaten this week, it's pretty remarkable to me.

As you know, I had the delicious french fries last Friday. Later that afternoon, I went to a happy hour, where I had nacho dip and chips, spinach dip and chips and mozzarella sticks. Now admittedly, I shared them all with Steve and our good friend, Jim, but still. Quite a snack fest. Then we went to a terrific fun card party at Jim and Don's house, where I had more snacks and a bowl of chili...with tiaramisu for dessert. I thought, "That will do it. One day of terrible eating. Back on track tomorrow." Not so!

Saturday, Steve and I went to see two movies. I DID take my own popcorn, so that helped. BUT then...we had to hit Hong's Buffet and Mongolian Grill for lunch. Spectacular food, but not great for you and NOT on Darren's nutrition plan! For dinner, we had Mexican food. Again, I thought, "That will do it. Two days of terrible eating. Back on track tomorrow." Not so!

Sunday, I was back on track for the most part. Steve and I get totally into the Oscars every year, so we made a delicious chicken crock pot recipe for dinner. Actually, quite healthy. I was feeling smug. I should have known better. After the delicious and healthy dinner, I was absolutely struck with the most overwhelming desire for cookie dough and cookies. I hesitated to tell Steve, because cookie dough is his absolute weakness. I didn't want him to think I was sabatoging his efforts. Finally, I couldn't resist any longer and I told him I wanted to make cookie dough. He was quite supportive of the idea. I went to the pantry, got a bag of double chocolate chunk cookie mix, added pecans and went to town. We did manage to bake about a dozen, but I think I probably ATE a dozen if you count the actual cookies and the dough. Once again, I thought, "That will do it. Three days of terrible eating. Back on track tomorrow." Not so!

Monday, I weighed in at 172.8 pounds, almost three pounds more than my Friday 170. Now, you'd think that remembering my Aunt Judy's mantra that it's a whole lot easier to take off five pounds than it is to take off 50, I'd be back on track. Not so!

The rest of the week I continued to snack like crazy. We made another batch of cookie dough and cookies (walnut chocolate chip this time), I had a McSkillet burrito from McDonald's (actually, I only ate about a fourth of it), greasy pizza from Sam's Club (which is actually delicious if you haven't tried it...and quite the bargain!) and half a blue cheese burger. I hit 175.0 as my high of the week. Oh, my. Not the direction I'm trying to head at all.

Well, I am proud to report that yesterday and today my snacking seems to have calmed down. I think I'm writing all this to say that even with all of the horrible eating, I didn't beat myself up about it. I continued to do my regular workouts at the gym, which I think really helped. Also, I realized that I was not going to make my goal weight by the end of February. I think that's part of why I was so out of control. Well, guess what? It's not really that big a deal to me. I'm going to sprint through March, or until I reach my goal. I know in my heart if I had diligently followed Darren's nutrition plan for the entire two months, I would be at my goal right now. BUT I enjoyed the HECK out of every bite of cookie dough! After all...who said the sprint had to be two months anyway??

Turns out ONE WEEK of terrible eating really did do it!

9 More--Help!

170...and I can't for the life of me crack the 169 barrier! Now, admittedly, I have not been following the nutrition plan as much I should, but upon reflection, I have realized something else about that. You HAVE to give yourself a break sometimes!!!


As anyone who knows me will tell you, I love food--of all kinds--and always have (might be sort of obvious when you see my 320 pound picture). I love to cook, I love to bake, I love to eat. Fitness and health have not changed that. While I love and appreciate the plan Darren created for us, after seven weeks, I have had to deviate a bit. If that means that it takes me three months to Sprint to the Finish, so be it. I'm on my own time table anyway, right? And losing 18 pounds since January 1st is quite fine.

All this week I have been thinking about french fries from Paul and Jack's, a local restaurant. I had scheduled lunch with my dear friend, Lynda, for today and we were meeting at Paul and Jack's...hence the obsession with their french fries. Now, periodically throughout my Sprint to the Finish, I have talked to myself about regular foods that I crave. For example, every time I go to Chili's, I have to have the chicken club tacos. The talking to myself has come in the form of thoughts like this, "Will it KILL you to go to Chili's a couple of times in your life and not have the chicken club tacos? NO! You're sprinting to the finish! You can do it!" I have been able to resist those cravings. Well, today I had the french fries at Paul and Jack's...and they were heavenly. That means I'll need to hit the gym a little harder or cut back a bit over the weekend, but they were worth it. That's what I'm trying to say today. You have to give yourself a break sometimes and give in to those temptations. If I had not had the french fries, I guarantee that I would have eaten WAY more calories trying to satisfy my french fry craving than I did by eating the actual thing.